Put Down the Scissors and No One Gets Hurt

You are probably familiar with the story of the man who, upon watching a butterfly in the process of emerging from its cocoon tried to “help” by snipping the opening to make it easier for the insect to come out. Unfortunately the butterfly needed to go through the process in order for its wings to work properly. The struggle is what makes it possible not only for the butterfly to survive but thrive.

As parents we are often called to witness our children go through painful struggles as well. Beginning with learning to walk, talk, and play well with others, the stakes just get higher and higher the older your child becomes.

It can be excruciating to watch your child navigate middle school, college acceptances (and denials), sorority/fraternity rush, job searches and painful breakups.  As parents we are conditioned to fix, to aid, to help.
But what if your help isn’t necessary? What if it’s actually counterproductive? How do you stand by and watch your child struggle with the cocoon?

I believe there is a point at which we, like the butterfly’s creator, have to allow the pain of the birth of something new.  But it is painful for us too. We are tempted, so tempted to “help”. And often we give in to that temptation, only to realize that we not only did not help but may have hindered the growth process. Believe me when I say- I know of which I speak.

So what is a parent to do you may ask? How do I help without hurting my child?

As always I would tell you to begin by stopping, slowing down and noticing.

Ask yourself: What do I want in this situation? Really answer this question. Now notice if there is any disconnect between what you want (my child to grow up and stop procrastinating!)  what you are doing (nagging, giving suggestions for timelines, rewards, bribes and nagging some more) and what kind of results you are getting (nothing changes!).

If there is a disconnect between your desires and results, we can probably surmise that you have snipped open the cocoon. And there are likely some painful thoughts behind your actions (He’ll fail! She will lose her scholarship! They will never learn!). Again, I am no stranger to the scissors… and I am here to tell you it doesn’t work.

As you get ready to send your first, second, third and/or last child off into the great big world of college it’s all the more important for you to recognize when you have the scissors in your hand and when it’s time to release them…

Putting the scissors down can feel hard. That’s where I come in. I can help you to find peace in the middle of this. I can help you find the thing you are most afraid of and not only confront that nasty thought but actually dissolve it. Don’t believe me? Give me 15 minutes and your biggest fear and let’s get to work… click here to sign up for a free session with me!