So there you are innocently thumping melons when it happens…That woman, you know the one you tried hard to avoid the whole time your kid was in high school? The one with the perfect hair, body, kids, life? Before you can scoot away she has spotted you and cornered you between the arugula and squash. She asks you what seems to be an innocent and benign question:How is your daughter doing at school?
In the span of a millisecond you think about your last conversation with your daughter: she was tired; exhausted really from the rigors of rush and adjusting to classes, a new roommate, small living quarters, the beginnings of a bad cold, finding her way in a new place and trying to navigate a balance between school and social activities. So you answer thusly:
“She’s doing well, you know, adjusting to college life but hanging in there. How about Timmy – how is he doing?”
And your frenemy, who has been staking out the produce section, probably for hours just waiting for a patsy like you, responds:
Oh my goodness, he is AMAZING! I mean he got 5 bids to all the top fraternities – choosing was so difficult! His classes are going unbelievably well, in fact one of his professors is so impressed with him he wants to take Timmy to Europe this summer as a research assistant – he said he has never done this for a freshman before! And his roommate is an absolute dream! Studies hard, never comes in late and is so respectful of Timmy’s space. And somehow that child of mine is managing to keep his 4.0 average even with all the social activities he is engaging in, not to mention his part time job and of course his volunteer work at the shelter by campus. Oh and we are so proud that he has joined a church and is leading a small group. I sure hope your daughter continues to “adjust”. (smiles and strolls away)
You immediately leave the produce section and head for the wine and cookie aisles.
And there you have it… that feeling, that little tickle at the back of your mind…
A good friend of mine used to describe it this way, “it’s like the bus is leaving and my child isn’t on it”. The bus is a metaphor for something your child isn’t included in and it can be anything from having a boyfriend/girlfriend, AP classes, the prom, or making the team….
When I went through Life Coach Training there was another term for “the bus” –
Compare and Despair
We see one part of someone’s life and begin to compare our story to theirs and it never adds up.
Wanna know why?
Well, first of all we are seeing the sanitized, social media version of their story. We rarely see the downsides – the parts that are difficult or ugly – the fact that little Timmy is abusing adderall in order to keep up that pace or the girl who isn’t telling her mom how very hard it all is because she doesn’t want to appear weak or less than perfect.
The fact is when we compare ourselves or our children to someone else, we lose, every single time. So if you find yourself in the compare and despair rut, here are a few things you can do:
Ask yourself if it’s really true that your kid isn’t o.k.? Accumulate some evidence for how things are going right. This is a powerful trick we can play on our feeble brains; you see, our minds believe whatever we tell them (and once you tell them something they will continue to accrue evidence to back up that “fact”). Start listing what is not only true but what is positive in this moment; things like:
- My child is able to tell me where he or she is struggling- and that is positive because I can be a support for them.
- My child is making friends and trying new activities.
- My child is learning what the limits are to his/her stamina and making adjustments.
- My child is generally happy about where they are even though every day is not a perfect 10. (and by the way- whose life is perfect all the time?)
Most important – take a deep breath, remembering that your college student is in a tremendous transition (as are you) and that all is well. You both are exactly where you are supposed to be.
If you quit comparing you will quit despairing…. guaranteed!
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