For me margin means space on either side. Just like the lines on the sides of a piece of notebook paper, it puts boundaries onto my days and my life . Practically speaking, it means I bookend my days with quiet before I begin and when I end. It means I pay attention to appointments with clients; giving myself enough time in between them to get a drink or something to eat, run to the bathroom and/or jot down a note or send them a link or article while it’s fresh in my mind. It means taking a few minutes between them to meditate and clear my mind.
I am pretty good about watching my schedule and not allowing too many appointments and activities to pile up. Even the stuff that I deem fun; in fact it’s the fun stuff that can often lead me into trouble (sigh, isn’t that always the way).
I just got back from a weekend retreat with my mentor, Martha Beck, in the mountains of North Carolina. It was lovely – the mountains were gorgeous, the people were wonderful and Martha was at her best; making us laugh, cry and learn all at the same time.
And yet…
I knew it was going to be a stretch for me.
I have a lot of travel planned for this month and some of it is almost back to back. It couldn’t be avoided if I wanted to do ALL THE THINGS – and I really wanted to do all of the things.
So. So. Much.
So I told myself a lie.
The lie was that “it would be fine and I could do it and other people do this kind of thing all the time and so can you and really, what the hell is wrong with you anyway” (my internal voice isn’t always kind as you can probably see).
When I came home to a calendar packed with clients and only three days to turn around and fly out again it only added to the maelstrom in my mind. I don’t know how you handle a lack of margin, but what happens to me is spin. My mind races to all the things I have to do and how little time there is to do said things. I sputter and spin like a child’s top on a tile floor. It’s fast and furious and it really only goes in circles.
In the past I would usually just freak out and stomp around my house doing ALL THE THINGS THAT NEED DOING THAT NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE…I was super passive aggressive and pretty resentful. I believed the proof that I was in it alone was obvious by the lack of help I was getting (because everyone wants to lend a hand to a frenzied, sputtering angry woman stomping around the house, right? Honestly, I can’t blame anyone and everyone for heading to higher ground).
This time I tried something different.
I stopped. I paused. I took a breath.
And then I made a list of what really needed to be done. (spoiler alert: it wasn’t that long).
Then I took another breath and did something CRAZY.
I asked for help. I went to my husband and told him I was stressed and overwhelmed and needed his aid.
And bless him he didn’t take a breath before answering “what can I do”.
AND THEN I TOLD HIM! AND THEN HE DID THE THINGS AND ALL WAS WELL. Or at least better. A hell of a lot better than they had been just a few minutes prior anyway.
So what do you do when you are overwhelmed? Here’s what worked for me:
- Awareness. Because I meditate everyday, it’s pretty obvious when things aren’t running smoothly. For some of you slowing down is the first step. Notice when you are out of balance and out of margin.
- Stop. Slow down. Pause. Take a breath, write down what absolutely needs doing… now look again and edit that list – be honest about what really has to be done.
- Ask for help! I think this is the hardest part – especially for women. We feel like it’s “just easier and faster to do it myself” (sound familiar? It’s certainly what I told myself when I was in the relentless, infinite spin cycle that was my thinking). There’s another lie we tend to tell ourselves; a lie I hear clients and friends say all the time: “if I have to ask then it’s not worth it, he (or she or they) just doesn’t care enough to help me. THIS IS NOT TRUE. It’s actually a testament to how well you’ve been hiding your needs that they don’t. When you act like superwoman people start to believe you are. And by people I mean your family, friends and YOU, yes you! You start to believe your own press!
One more thing, before I go: you may not need much margin but you still may need help. Hell, we all do! We were not made to do this life thing alone. Today, try asking for just one little thing that might make your life a bit easier. See how it feels. It may be hard at first – and if it is – that’s probably the sign that you need to do it all the more.
I’d love to hear from you – what is something you want or need help with? What is holding you back from asking for that help?? Email me your answers – I’d love to know what is keeping you spinning too 🙂
Sending you love and margin,
xoxo
m.e.