Compare and Despair 2.0

I recently did a morning show in Jacksonville Florida where I discussed this topic that has the power to wreak such havoc on our sense of peace.  Since I didn’t get to make all my points I thought it might be worthwhile to reiterate them here:

Compare and Despair is what happens when our child’s reality brushes up against the tidy, sanitized social media ready version of someone else’s life.

It is something we as parents deal with from the time our children are very young- we compare who is taller, reading better, getting all the birthday party invites, as well as who is showing signs of talent in athletics, the arts and of course, academics. And it just gets more amped up as time goes on. SAT scores, prom dates and college acceptances are all fair game for compare and despair.

Oh and then there’s social media…. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter all fuel the fire of C &D.

Here’s an example:

You have just gotten off the phone with your daughter;  she’s sick, stressed and just might be failing a class. You log onto Facebook and suddenly are hit with a strong desire for a glass of wine … with an Oreo chaser.

You’ve been zapped by compare and despair, and is it any wonder? You’re comparing your daughter’s reality with someone else’s highlight reel. Actually a whole bunch of people’s highlight reels. You are seeing things like:

• So proud of my daughter for posting straight A’s at midterm
• Can’t believe my son was elected president of his pledge class
• Couldn’t be prouder of our daughter- instead of going to Panama City for spring break, she’s going on a mission trip to build houses for the homeless

The worst part of the highlight reel mentality is this: we tend to compress all these individual stories into one “super kid”. Instead of realizing it is one kid doing well academically, one doing well spiritually and one doing well socially…

We think everyone’s kid is doing everything really well… except ours.

And one more thing about the highlight reel: for those of us who have navigated through our children’s freshman (and sophomore, and junior) years- in reality it looks a lot less like a highlight reel (although there truly are some high points) and more like something from America’s Funniest Home Videos; it’s a little funny, a little painful, and sometimes it’s hard to watch.

But no one ever posts the bloopers; the parking tickets, the lost keys, the roommate issues, the time management issues, classes missed and classes failed.

So what can you do when you find yourself caught in the net of compare and despair?

• Pay attention! This is the number one rule of coaching! KNOW YOUR TELLS! I told you mine- cookies and wine (I also like to throw in some pretty questionable reality TV). This is really helpful because once you know your tells you can catch yourself “in the act”.
• Ask yourself – what is the painful story I’m telling myself? Usually when it comes to C & D as it relates to our children, it is some version of the following:  “I feel like my kid isn’t doing as well as everyone else’s”. 
• Since we already know that this thought isn’t true (because we’ve been comparing our reality to a highlight reel),  we can turn the thought around to the following: My child is doing well. And here is where you start to make a list of all the ways your child is succeeding. How and where are they finding success? What are you proudest of? What has surprised you most?

It’s important to make this list because our brains will hold on to the negative thoughts.Remember, our brains are like Velcro for the negative but like Teflon for the positive. We have to accumulate evidence to support our new thought. This can take some time but if you pay attention you will start to catch yourself mid Oreo.

One more thing about the thinking that causes us pain and gets us in trouble with the scale- as parents, we are hard wired to want things to go well for our children; it can be excruciating to watch them struggle and suffer. But remember, one of the primary goals of college is growth and learning and I don’t know about y’all but I can honestly say I’ve learned very little from my successes, but the fails? Well that’s where the real growth happens, so if your kid’s year is looking like a highlight reel from America’s Funniest Home Videos- take heart! You aren’t alone and it is the fodder from which adulthood is made.

Now… pass me the Oreo’s.

Are you an empty nester (or almost empty nester) who is looking for insight, encouragement and clarity? Click here to sign up for a free discovery session with me. I will help you go from dazed and confused to ready to refeather your nest!