“You just wait”
This was the warning a friend had given me about the first Thanksgiving break we would have since our son left for college.
“You’ll be counting down the minutes until he goes back to school.”
I remember thinking: “She’s insane, I can’t wait for him to come home!”
But waiting is exactly what I ended up doing
Waiting for him to wake up
Waiting for him to come home
Waiting for “my time” with him
And yes, I did find myself ready for him to go back to school (and yes, I felt guilty about it, too).
What I didn’t understand at the time is this:
The reabsorption of adult children back into the day to day flow of family life is not always a smooth one. The child you dropped off at college just a few short months ago may not be the same one who shows up for Thanksgiving. A lot of changes have taken place and it can be an awkward and uncomfortable homecoming.
A few realities to ponder:
- You probably have imagined this holiday a certain way. Perhaps you may have romanticized it just a teensy tiny bit? I pictured long talks sitting by the fire where my child would fill me in on all the details of his new life, followed by happy family dinners and more time sitting around watching tv, playing board games and more conversation. Even as I am typing this I’m laughing at the thought of my active, fun, full of life 19 year old sitting for any length of time, let alone in front of a roaring fire!
- Your kids have been operating without your supervision for several months now and your inquiries as to where they might be headed at midnight on Tuesday will likely be met with surprise and possibly scorn.
- You too have been operating in a brand new way. You may have just begun to not only imagine, but actually build a new life without them. I found that the quiet and order that at first had seemed so awful was now actually kind of nice. And while I was happy to make meals and run laundry, when I came downstairs in the morning to every light blazing and a huge mess in the kitchen, I found myself just a bit grumpy with my kids’ casual disdain for the order of things.
So what can you do?
- First, as always, manage your expectations! Be realistic. Your child is excited to come home, see his or her friends, get some home cooked meals, some clean laundry, sleep in their own bed and yes, touch base with the fam (in precisely that order). The good news is this- because your child knows he is loved and adored he can probably put you on the back burner on this trip. If we have done our jobs as parents we’ve probably made our children secure in the knowledge that “we will always be here for you” so they figure there’s really no hurry.
- Recognize that you have the right to ask for what you want and need- but this means you have to acknowledge those needs. I remember saying to my daughter on one of her first visits home – I’ve been waiting for you to wake up all morning so we could do something together. Her response- “I didn’t know”… while she slept, I silently stewed and put my life on hold- that one was on me. I’ve learned since to ask for what I want (time with my kid) AND marry it with something that is desirable for them (lunch at their favorite restaurant, shopping, or some other activity that is hard for them to resist). As parents we need to use what we have – which is often a credit card or cash!
- Remember you are renegotiating this relationship and that takes time. Don’t worry if it feels a little off or even if you are disappointed with how the visit went. Old habits die hard and new ones take time.
- Be kind and gentle with yourself (and your kid) during this time of change. Pay attention to the feelings that might be bubbling up and get some help if you are struggling. And remember – you aren’t alone!
Are you struggling with renegotiating your relationship with your (almost) adult child? Hop on the phone with me and let me help you untangle your most worrisome thoughts. Click here to schedule your free discovery session.