Can I help you pack?
Are you counting down the days until your child leaves?
I have a friend I’ll call Myrtle (names are being changed to protect the truly innocent). Her daughter, Penelope was making it really easy to send her off to State U… real, real easy. So easy in fact, that for Christmas of Penelope’s senior year Myrtle bought her luggage.
There’s a hint and a half for you!
Some of you are having that experience, right? While you see friends and acquaintances crying at every “last” everything of their precious child’s Senior year, you are thinking: “maybe the college will let them start this spring”. For those of you who are feeling like the Parent of the Year Trophy is about to be taken off the mantle, I say this:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! And furthermore, there is nothing wrong with your kid. You are both merely experiencing the normal ebb and flow of your upcoming separation. Some kids make it easier to say good bye than others. And trust me, we all have to deal with a smarmy, know it all kid at some point. You are just getting to do it a bit earlier than some of your friends.
So how do you deal with a kid who thinks they’ve got it all figured out and no longer need the services of a parent?
Remind your progeny that while they may be 18 and ready to fly, they do still live in your home and there will continue to be rules and expectations … and consequences for the breaking of them.
This is also a good time for you to do a little check in with yourself about what your expectations are. Are you treating your child …like a child? Or as an almost adult who will soon be in charge of themselves.
Your child IS about to go to college and as such it may be time to loosen the reins a bit and allow him or her a little more latitude in making some decisions for themselves. It’s possible that the snarky behavior you are seeing is in response to you holding on a bit too tightly, which is a natural response to the fear we all have as we let go of the control we once had.
This is a great time to practice a little grown up communication- “hey, Penelope, I’m sorry if it seems like I have been a bit overbearing lately. I get that you are not exactly a child anymore and I’m trying (really, really trying) to adjust to this. I want to give you some freedom to make a few more decisions and choices but I need you to recognize that some things can’t change. (and here is where you add in your personal non-negotiables). I am willing to give you a later curfew, stay off your back about bedtime and homework but I need you to continue to be a productive and courteous member of this family (or whatever fits your family’s particular mores and habits).
It’s also possible that the snark fest happening in your home is your child’s real-time response to the anxiety they may be feeling about the upcoming separation. Remember just because a change is “good” doesn’t mean it isn’t stressful. We tend to think that happy things like graduations shouldn’t produce anxiety… WRONG! On the so called “stress scale” some of the happiest events such as weddings and births rank at the top of the list! So perhaps a bit of understanding the next time junior snaps at you might go a long way in creating a better relationship and communication. I am in no way advocating you allowing your child to speak to you in a disrespectful manner, by the way. This is a great place to try asking your kid what’s really behind their sudden rudeness. They may not be willing (or able to answer) but it will open lines of communication between you.
And I’m happy to report Penelope did not leave early, did not take the Parent of the Year Trophy down on her way to State U, and is now a lovely young college graduate who has a wonderful relationship with her parents.
#hopeforusall
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