I recently watched a video that someone posted on fb about how lobsters grow.
I know what you’re thinking… why do I care about lobsters and how they grow?Because it’s actually an outstanding analogy for us humans.
Spoiler alert: the impetus for the growth is stress/pain. The video is one and a half minutes long and you can watch it here. (It’s worth the time, I promise!)
The first time I watched it, I immediately thought of my children and how hard it is for me to watch them go through what I see as “painful” or “stressful” experiences. I thought to myself:
“Yeah, sure it’s tough on the lobster…. But what about the lobster’s mama!?!!?! Did anyone ever think about how hard it is on her? Notice I didn’t go straight to my own painful life experiences but to those of my children. I think there are multiple reasons for this but chief among them is this: no matter how much I want to or try to, I cannot take away my baby lobster’s pain. That pain is theirs to feel and learn and grow from.
Where we lobster mamas get into trouble is when we try to head off the pain, minimize the effects of said pain or even completely mitigate the source of pain for our children. Because as Rabbi Twerski states- if the pain is thwarted- there is no growth and if we don’t allow our babies to feel the pain and grow, we end up with a whole other slew of problems ranging from lack of respect, difficulty with relationships, substance abuse, an inability to launch as well as find and maintain a job.
Believe me when I tell you I know of which I speak here. I am the original Lobster Mama…. I know firsthand how hard it is to stand by and watch an adult (or almost adult) child do (or not do) something that is probably going to cause them some significant pain. Not too long ago it would not have occurred to me to allow my child to make those decisions without offering some “friendly” advice.
These days I check my motivations before I open my mouth (at least most of the time, anyway… old habits die hard). A couple of tricks I’ve learned from coaching:
- Before I give my “helpful hints” I ask my child if they want to hear my advice. This is a funny thing… when I ask first they almost always say yes and while they may not take my advice they don’t get defensive or angry at me for giving it.
- Once I give the advice I let go of the outcome. This can be hard as a parent. We want our kids to “do the right thing” and avoid the pain of a bad decision. We often feel it is our responsibility to “teach” our offspring well beyond their childhood and adolescent years. If you are getting a lot of push back from your adult child you may want to check in and see if you are trying to subtly (or not so subtly) manipulate them to get the outcome you think is “best”.
- Lastly I ask myself this question: “what are you making it mean about yourself as a mother that your child is going through this”…. Please don’t skip this step. This is where the juicy stuff is. This is where it helps to have a friend, therapist or coach to talk it out with. So often we think it is some failure on our part that is causing them pain, or worse, that to feel pain or loss is somehow wrong or problematic when it’s actually just part of life and growth. Our children (and partners and bosses and friends) are our best teachers. They are a mirror for our thoughts, desires and fears. Instead of fighting that reality, allow it to be your guide.
The important thing to remember is this: the best gift we can give our children is the ability to manage their own lives. When we allow them to make decisions (and yes, mistakes) it gives them authority and autonomy and most importantly- the wisdom that comes from lessons learned.
If you are struggling watching your baby lobster go through a difficult experience or transition give me a call and let me help you “crack” some of those painful thoughts! Click here to schedule a free clarity session.
I have known Mary Ellen my whole life. But I had no idea what her psychology degree and social work experience meant to the rest of the world. I just knew that she was a port, pillar, post of good advice. Now that I am a mother with a first born senior in high school, I started delving into her sphere of knowledge. I can’t even believe I am lucky enough to have her at an arm’s length. She tells me all the things that make so much sense to me, but I am not experienced in the real life situations to put these wise/ educated choices into play when dealing with my teenage daughter’s troubles. I rather would shoot from the hip, and, in most cases, it was the pull in the tug of war that I was better off letting go of.
I have friends whose sons or daughter’s are leaving this year. They viewed Mary Ellen’s website….and now I am the hero! “Thank you Connie….she is just what the doctor ordered for my anxiety.”
I can’t get enough of this advice. Because just as I was a single woman in a restaurant saying that I would never have a bratty kid (when I saw one at the next table), I inevitably DID!! So getting the best advice on the front end is so cherished. Mary Ellen is something else. And whatever your situation is, it is not very far from the best friend or neighbor of yours who acts as if nothing is troubling them. We all just have different coping mechanisms. But how nice is it to know that these mechanisms can adjust to make your life, and the life of your child, a better experience!
Oh my gosh, Connie- I just saw this and can’t thank you enough for these kind words and your vote of confidence!Thank you for being so authentic and vulnerable – all of us have been that single woman in the restaurant (I was, after all, a perfect parent until I had my first child!).