I’ll never forget the first time my son came home from college for Thanksgiving break. I watched, mouth agape as he sauntered towards the door without a word to his father or me at 11:05 pm on a Tuesday night.
At 11:05!
On a Tuesday Night!
Without a word to any of us!
And so it began… the negotiations of what is and isn’t acceptable for an almost 19 year old living at home. I’d love to say that right then and there we sat him down, had a good old fashioned come to Jesus meeting, he acknowledged the error of his ways and begged forgiveness and nary a harsh word was ever spoken again.
Yeah. Right.
Here’s what really happened:
I said some words that sounded like “where are you going, with whom, and when will you be home?
And he said some words like “out with my friends and whenever”.
Let’s just say it was complicated.
This was the beginning of our new normal. It wasn’t always pretty. I wanted to hold onto the way things used to be and my son wanted to spread his wings and fly. In the end we both got what we needed if not always what we (thought) we wanted.
That first trip home can be tricky. Your child is excited to see their friends, catch up on their sleep, get their laundry done, eat their favorite foods and see you.
In that order.
Where we get into trouble is when we have expectations of what we think “should” happen, not only on that first trip home, but in the general ways and means of our parent-child relationship. Things have changed, after all. The kid you sent to school just a few short months ago may look, act and seem very different from the one who has shown up on your doorstep looking for food, lodging and laundry service.
Here are some tips to help you navigate your “new normal”:
- Try to remember that your child is exhausted, excited and full of their “I’m a grown up” attitude on this first trip home. In other words, this is probably going to be rocky for both of you.
- Manage you own expectations about how much time you think you should spend with your child especially on these first forays home. Freshman tend to be very excited about seeing their high school friends on these first trips back. As time goes by that will abate, you will notice as the years tick by the frenetic energy to get together with old friends will dissipate (in other words your child will have more time for you).
- Realize you are now cohabiting with an adult (or as I like to call my own kids – “almost-adults”). This is some tricky terrain. They ARE adults. Yet they ARE staying in YOUR home. You are learning a new way to be in this world with them (as they are with you). They are used to making their own rules and answering to no one and you – you are used to being the parent! Be kind to both of you as you traverse this new phase of development. Don’t be surprised if it feels awkward and uncomfortable at first.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and need! I used to wait for my kids to wake up and (hopefully) make time for me. When they slept til noon and then ran out to see friends I would find myself hurt and resentful. What I learned was, if I asked for what I wanted instead of waiting for my childrens’ leftovers, we all ended up getting what we wanted. The thing I really wanted was time with my kids so I would ask them to do something I knew they would not only like, but really love – the kind of thing that usually involves food or money (or both). Offering to take them to lunch at their favorite restaurant (one they could neither find, nor afford on their college campus or budget) usually worked like a charm. An offer to take them shopping for much needed clothes or supplies can work well too.
- On that note – if what you want is some better rules and cohabiting behavior – ask for it! But also be prepared to negotiate. If it bothers you that your child is out til all hours – tell them why and what your concerns are. When we talk to our adult children like adults the conversations can be enlightening and productive. When we try to fall back on the “because I’m the parent and I say so” paradigm, the wheels tend to fall off. Be open and curious about your child’s responses and you may just find that you will learn a lot about them. When I told my daughter my concerns about her being out late doing “god knows what” it opened a dialogue about the ways she and her friends take care of each other and protect themselves. After listening to her I felt encouraged that she was making wise decisions about herself and the people she chose to be with.
Remember this: you are entering a new phase of development with your child and all changes no matter how wonderful or longed for feature an element of pain and grief. The old way of doing things is passing away but something new and amazing is being born, so take heart!
Thanks to Michelin for sponsoring this post! Be there, no matter where they go. Have a student headed off to college? Read more stories from parents like me on betheremoments.com. Join the conversation by using the hashtag #betheremoments