Remember the Charlie Brown cartoons? How an adult was always represented by a disembodied voice that sounded like WAH Wha, wha…?
During summer freshman move in weekend, my soon to be a senior daughter and her boyfriend were enjoying a melt from Merv’s (one of life’s true pleasures- if you’re ever in Tallahassee be sure to stop in) and were witness to a mother loudly reminding her son (over and over again) to “make good choices”. The kid looked like he wanted to die and Grace felt incredibly sorry for him (sorry enough that she actually texted me to tell me about the scene this mother was making).
This scenario struck a chord in me. Wanna know why? Because I’ve been that mom and I bet you have to. In my quest to keep my children healthy in body, soul and mind I’ve been known to repeat the same tired phrases over and over.
Things like:
- Make good choices!
- Don’t procrastinate!
- Drive carefully, wear your seat belt… BE CAREFUL!!!!
- Did you (fill in the blank) write that thank you note, talk to your teacher, study, pay the cable bill, and feed your fish… (You get the picture, right?)
A few years ago my son hit me right between the eyes with a statement that stopped me dead in my tracks. I was repeating one of my “greatest hits” and he looked at me with no guile, no anger and only a very small amount of frustration and said:
Do you know how you sound?
Whoa.
The answer was no, no I had no idea (and neither, I bet, did that frightened mother at Merv’s). But that statement allowed me to investigate my thinking and see what was behind my repetition:
Fear
- Fear that my child will fall.
- Fear that my child will fail.
- Fear of the worst case scenario- something that will alter their lives irrevocably.
And here’s the problem with repeating these tired refrains:
Your kid has stopped listening to you! You are now that disembodied voice from the cartoons. WAH WAH WAH is what your child hears.
Well, that and what they believe you think of them and what they may unwittingly begin to believe about themselves.
- She thinks I’m an idiot
- She doesn’t trust me
- She thinks I can’t possibly make it
- She thinks I make bad choices
- Making a choice my mother (or father or best friend) doesn’t agree with is wrong
- Making any bad decision means the end for me
I know that some of you are raising your objections already… but Mary Ellen there ARE good choices and bad choices and some decisions have long term consequences. And to that I say, you are right. Might I remind you that many of us made “bad” choices along the way and some of those choices changed our trajectory (maybe for bad but honestly, mostly, in the end, for our own good). And may I also gently remind you that although you may be technically correct in trying to keep your precious child out of harm’s way, you are also fighting a losing battle. You raised your child to give them wings.
You have done your job.
Let me say it again:
You have done your job.
Remind your child that you love and support him (or her) that you trust that they are going to do great (and maybe some not so great things) while they are in college. Mistakes will be made. Grace will be given.
For both you and your child.